If I had no more time, would you cherish what we had? Was it everything that you were looking for?

I used to be tired. tired of trying, tired of not trying hard enough, tired of failing, tired of rejection, tired of heart break, tired of love, tired of being so close, tired of being too close, tired of everything, but most of all.. tired of myself. And now I am exhausted.

it's been quite awhile, my friend. oh xanga i have missed you so. looking back on these entries make me think, was i really that foolish? i could've been happier way long ago. but i refused to give up because i kept telling myself that it was worth it. when i look back on it now, i couldn't have came up with a better answer than never. it was never worth it. because for the past 4 years, i have allowed you to break me. i gave up everything because i thought i was in love. but i wasn't. i fell out of love way long ago, and it took me too long to realize it. it's a shame. but there isn't anything to do about it now. i just have to think twice. and make sure that this time, whoever i may end up with, will always be worth it.

so life, huh? i mean what is there to say that i haven't said already? from relationships, to the birth of my daughter and losing my mother, to gaining friends and losing them. it's been such a rollercoaster. and i must say, for the past 16 years of my life, i have been through too much to not expect the worst of the worst. i have had more than sticks and stones thrown at me. i've had motherfuckin boulders. i admit, i've tried taking the easy way out. resorting to pills and razorblades. ending up in hospitals to mental homes. dont get me wrong, i'm not mentally crazy. maybe just emotionally weak. but im stronger now. and hah, yes it's true. i am not perfect. i have tried giving up. but i've pulled through. that is why im here today. still dealing with the same bullshit, still fighting, and still standing. you know when you want something so bad, you would jump over a bridge for it, break your back for it, crawl on your knees for it, lose sleep for it, sacrifice for it. but when you are not willing to make an effort, you'll never get it. i've done it, one time too many. and this time if i do it, it'll be worth it. because i know last time it surely wasn't.

speaking of relationships, the birth of my daughter, the death of my mother, losing and gaining friends, how do i deal? how do i deal when the one i loved was with somebody else and there was nothing i could do about it? when my beautiful baby girl is born and my misdiagnosed mother passes away a week lateer? when i find out my exbestfriends are being two faced? 2004 till now is and was such a hectic life for me. i've had one of the best summers of my life in 2004. once i moved back out to california, i realized who was really there for me. comming back to jersey in 2005 and confronting them only got better. then back out to california in 2006. dealing with more bullshit from my baby's daddy.  but i couldn't  keep holding onto something that kills me inside. do you know what it feels like to want to die? how it hurts to smile? how you kill yourself on the outside when it's eating you up on the inside? i have finally let go, officially and forever, of a 4 year relationship. those past 4 years spent with him made me who i am today. and it's nothing for me to be too proud of. i mean sure, i've grown and learned from the mistakes i've made in the past. i know better, and i'm smarter because i won't put myself nor my child through the shit i put with him. but i'm not the same little innocent sweet girl i used to be. i'm an asshole, i take things too seriously, and i'm insecure. i fear of being alone because i felt like even though i've had family, friends, and a relationship since i was 12, it was nothing. so kaila is turning 2 years old soon. my my how time flies. and that means my mom's two year death anni is comming up soon. now i dont wanna talk about it too much because that would result to me hyperventilating in my bathroom looking through all my purses for my inhaler, having horrible nightmares, and me dying because i don't know how to swim and i drowned in my own river of tears. my family abandoned me long ago. i didn't appreciate what was given to me. i rebelled. and i just didn't give a fuck. so now, after losing everything i ever had, i have finally realized.. what i had.. is gone forever. and i have to be grateful and appreciate anything that is placed within my hands. i won't let my life slip through my fingers like i did before. i will take everything thrown at me, and cherish it, because i know that this time around, i will make sure everything is worth it. otherwise, i just won't deal. i will not choose to put up with something that i know isn't gonna be worth my time and effort. who would? and why would you?

/end emo. literally. on a different note. i have finally experienced my first clubbing experience. it is really not all it's hyped up to be kiddos. i have done plenty of shit this summer. from smoking up, to alchohol poisoning, to getting boys caught in my house, and liqz found in my room, where else could i go wrong? i'm not in a rush to grow up. and i can't complain with what has happened because what's done is done. there is no way we can go back in time and change everything. so let me just say this now to all the youngin's, please enjoy and cherish your childhood as much as you can. the teen/adult life isn't all it's hyped up to be. so i went to blvd. lounge last night. where do i begin? i mean you think your safe dancing with some guys, but you really aren't. make sure you are there with friends. MALE friends, to protect you from those grimey ass niggas who are only trying to get inbetween your legs. don't let any slip ups happen, no matter how "accidental" they are. because you will only be tramautized and feel violated the next day. you don't realize what's going on while it's happening because your too caught up in just dancing and having a good time. then after awhile you stop and think "did that just really happen?" yes kids it did. so drink responsibly and party safely. there are some really grimey ass niggas out there, no joke. with everything bad that's happen this year. do i think it was worth it? hell yes, it was worth it. i had the time of my life this summer and i wouldn't take anything back for the world. the good will forever outweigh the bad. and thank you Lord, because i deserved it.

well with everything that's said and done. you get the moral of this blog. you live life, you fuck up, continally make the same mistakes, come across drama and go through stress over and over. but you have to look back on it and ask yourself "is it worth it?" just living, is worth anything. if you didn't think that it was worth it to do anything, you wouldn't be here right now. you wouldn't be reading this blog. you see how long this is? 5 paragraphs, and you wouldn't have made it through the first line without beggining to ask yourself.. "will this be worth it?" do you think i would've spent the last 2 hours here sitting on my ass typing my little heart out if i didn't think it was worth it? nahh. that is the question i live by. and it should be for everyone else. because you see, why would you have any reason to do what you do.. if it wasn't worth it? you wouldn't. so guys! this is the end. from the heart of kelly anne tatiana, once again. think back to all the mistakes in your life. all the bad. all that has given you sorrow and pain. in your heart and mind, ask yourself, if it was worth it.